Thursday, February 4, 2010

I Find Myself

Waiting for her every move
Wondering when her next kick will be
Laying awake at night waiting for her to roll
Poking at my belly so that I can get a poke back

These next 2 or 3 weeks are going to be extremely long. I can see myself getting very little sleep and worrying a lot. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it and no matter how much I tell myself it is out of my hands, I will be worrying about our little girl between every single kick, poke or jab.

We kind of have a routine, her and I. She is usually some what active in the mornings on my way to work when I drink my Sunkist Orange, listen to Dave Ryan and The Morning Show and Alex is in the backseat sleeping.

She is then active again during nap time while I mess around on my computer ( sitting on the couch or in bed ) and the other kids are sound asleep.

She is VERY active ( out of control sometimes ) at night time when I get in bed between 8 & 9 pm. This is when she might move for 10 minutes straight and it used to drive me crazy and I just wanted her to relax and go to bed. Now I will cherish all those little jabs and turns and annoying little pokes.

And then when I wake up in the middle of the night, those 3 or 4 times I have to pee when I should be getting my beauty rest. Well usually around 2am she will keep me awake for awhile kicking the bed or pillow because I am leaning on it.

Those are the times I expect her to kick and if she doesn't I start to worry. Last night I didn't remember her kicking at all in the middle of the night, I might have just been really tried but when I woke up I was worried. She didn't move at all until I was in the car on my way to work.


I don't truly enjoy being pregnant. Lots of my friends think I have it easy because I don't gain much weight while pregnant. That is very nice but I throw up a lot and have other complications.

With Alex I had morning sickness and then I had all my issues with the Gall Bladder. Spending nights in the hospital, throwing up way more then anyone should, not being able to eat anything but chicken and white rice, and having surgery 2 weeks after having a baby is something I don't call fun.

So when I got pregnant this time I was excited. I thought it would be easy and I would be able to eat whatever I wanted and enjoy this pregnancy without any pain. The morning sickness was way worse and I was very tired in the beginning. Then the bleeding started and that lasted for about 2 weeks with 3 or 4 different trips into see my OBGYN and have ultrasounds done. There was one point when we were playing at an indoor play park and I was 100% sure I had lost the baby ( the blood and clots where insane and I had to use a diaper as my pad until it would stop ). She is a fighter and she held on strong and her little heart continued to beat and she kept on growing.

AND NOW this, something so rare something they would have never tested me for if my mom had not found it on the Internet and I had not mentioned it to one of the Doctors. Something we would have never found if I would not have complained and complained about my itching and finally called the Dr. to see if there was ANYTHING they could do for me.

Now I find myself in the Dr. Office 2 or more times a week. We will be welcoming our little girl a month early but I am worried it wont be early enough. I want her here now and I want to know she is in the Dr.'s hands and not inside my belly were something might go wrong and harm her. As soon as she is out in this world this ICP has no effect on her and it can't harm her. The itching will stop and my Bile Acid Levels will go back to normal.


I know things can be so much worse, I know people who have had miscarriages, lost there babies, have been trying for years, had to spend lots of money just to get pregnant. I feel for all those women and families.

But right now for me, I am just worried and I will be until she is here, safe and sound in our arms and we are a complete family of 4. I wish I could say I had all this faith in God and I knew he was going to do the right thing and he has a plan. But I want things to go the way I want them to go, maybe that's selfish and wrong but I don't want to put all my faith in someone else. I want to have control over the situation and I want to know that everything is going to be OK.

Sorry this is so long and I went on and on and on. It is nice to have a place to write and get everything out of my system. So if you read it all and made it through this post I am surprised and thankful!

P.S. Alex is doing great. We have not forgotten about her! She has blue nail polish on her toes and fingers thanks to Grandma Char ( she loves it ) and she got to skype with Grandma and Grandpa Schuler last night. She is becoming more of a dare devil now days and she is jumping off of everything. She must be growing because all her pants are starting to look a little to short on her and she has started to wear underwear daily!

Have A Great Day We Are Off To Play!


Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

I've been thinking of you. I had two very difficult pregnancies, so I understand just how you feel. People think I'm nuts for wanting to do it again, but the end result is worth the months of misery. Just take each day as it comes, rest, and have faith that everything will be okay. You are going to the doctor so often for a reason, and they will know when the right time is for her to come. Sending lots of good thoughts and prayers your way!

All About Aleigha said...

I can only imagine how hard it must be & the worrying. Still praying for you & little one.

Emily said...

I can't imagine how difficult this all is...praying for you, Erin.

Lyr said...

Oh my, I'm praying for you dear. Thank you for your amazing comment on my blog, but now after reading this I feel so selfish! Know I'm praying! :)

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you and your sweet girl. I hope you can get some rest and comfort. Lots of Hugs, Ginger

Stephanie said...

I told you this morning I can't imagine. I am just like you though-I want to be in control and know exactly what is going to happen when it is going to happen.

Try to relax and enjoy your night-and your one on one time with your little girl :)

Jessica said...

I am just now getting back on the blog after about a week so I'm just now seeing that it's a girl!! Congratulations! i know everything you are going through must be extremely difficult but I am praying for you and the baby both. Hang in there. Just like you said she is a fighter & she will be just fine!