Sunday, April 25, 2010

Am I Reading This Right?

When Chad and I were thinking about having our 2nd baby we weren't thinking about money.  We thought we were ready to add to our family and couldn't wait to become a family of 4.  We didn't think there would be complications, lots and lots of OB visits or a NICU stay.  If we would have known all that information we would have waited awhile longer, most likely until we were very financially ready. 

But if we waited for that, we would have been waiting for forever.  

So when all these complications started happening, I kind of started freaking out about money.  All this happened before I knew I was going to be cut down to part time as well as loose a huge chunk of my pay.  Again if we knew that was going to happen then we would have waited to have another baby.  We would have postponed getting pregnant until we felt secure and able to provide.

How can I even say that.  It pisses me off, makes me so irritated to think about our situation like that.  To think that we can't afford her, that we should have waited to have her that we might loose our house and everything we have worked for because of my job situation. I am bitter, I am irritated and I want to provide the best life possible for my girls and I can't do that right now.  I can give them all the love and attention they need. I can play with them and sing with them and take them to the park and do all those types of things with them but to think that I can't afford to keep this roof over there heads eats away at me daily. 

I had a tough day on Thursday.  I spent a lot of the day crying in my car.  My mom took the girls to gymnastics for a few hours and I went to a few day care centers to look for a job.  They all gave me applications but they all also said that they were not hiring at the moment.  Because my girls weren't with me, because I had a few hours to myself, all I did was think about the negative. All I did was cry and feel bad for myself, my girls and our family.  All I did was worry about how to cover the doctor bills and the mortgage payment and all the other bills.  I picked up my girls and while they slept on the car ride home, I cried.  

I don't normally cry in front of my mom.  She is emotional and she worries about everything.  Lets face it, I am her baby, her child, her daughter and of course if I am struggling she is going to worry about me and my family.  So I put a smile on my face, I do this in front of most people.  I don't want people to worry about me, to feel sorry or bad for me.   But you can only hold things in for so long, you can only put on a smile for so long.

It is almost like telling myself over and over again that everything will be ok.  How many times can I tell myself that and when will I actually start believing it?  Like my friend Anna said, "It will all work out, it might not work out the exact way you want it, but it will work out".  She also told me that since she has known me that I have never let anything get in my way or stop me from getting or doing what I want.  That is all the truth but I have never not been able to provide for my girls, I have never been put into this rough of a situation.  

There are days were I feel like I am failing.  Failing at life, at providing for my children, at doing what I am supposed to be doing. There are so many things I want to do but I don't really know were to start or how to even go about it. 

Right now I need to focus on a job and making money so that I can help my family.  My husband can't do it all and I don't expect him to at all.  And even though he has a job I still need to find something, somewhere and sometime very soon. 

Because the mortgage, it needs to be paid.  Those doctor bills, they can't be left on the back burner.  No we don't need cable, or internet on our phones and there is a lot of stuff in my house that I can sell but where do I start.  

Do you want to see a sneak peak at what it costs to have complications and a baby in the NICU.  It almost blew my socks off.  I know a lot of you had complications during pregnancy or babies in the NICU but this is mainly for my records ( putting down the costs ).

Maple Grove Hospital 
1 day in the Nursery Level 2 - $3,420.00 x 11 days = $37,620.00
Different Solutions Avin Needed (Dextrose, Phytonadione, Erythromycin, Hep B Vaccine, Diaper Rash Creame, Palivizumab . . . ) - $2311.52
Lab/Chemistry ( Glucose, CBC, Cult-blood, Bilirubin, Amnio Acidemias, Sodium, and more ) - $2,259.73
Total = $42,191.25

University of Minnesota Physicians
Neonatalogists - $443.00 a day = 4,869.00 ( these doctors are amazing and they call all the shots.  They maybe spent 10 minutes a day with Avin and thats estimating high.  She had 3 different Neonatologists while she was in the NICU but they all knew her, they all cared about her and treated us with the most respect ). 

I am not sure if I have everything, I might be missing stuff and that doesn't include any of my bills.  Of course insurance covers a good chunk of that but just look at those totals.  Thankgoodness Avin didn't need oxygen and could hold her tempurate, that she never got an infection or needed any antibiotics and that she was only in there for 11 days.  That total blows my socks off, I couldn't imagine if she would have been in there until her due date.  

While my family goes through this hard time I just ask if you will think about us a little more, maybe even say a prayer.  
I only hope things will turn around.  I am waiting for that day and I hope it is soon. 


The Lewis's said...

Erin... You had left a comment over on my blog...The Lewis Lowdown about my daughter's Easter dress. I found her dress at Gymboree on the sale rack around Christmas time. I have seen a lot of cream dresses at Marshalls lately, I don't know if you have a Marshalls where you live. :)

Anonymous said...

Is your health insurance not covering those medical bills. You should be able to set up a payment plan with them.

Have you tried looking on craigslist for nanny jobs?

All About Aleigha said...

I will definitely be praying for you & your family. I hope things pick up for yall real soon.

Paige said...

I am praying for your family. I hate that you are having a hard time right now. Hopefully your insurance will help you cover some if not most of this. Also, I am a firm believer that if you are hard worker but you still need help, ask the state. Most people are against this for everyone and every situation although if they were in troubles they would ask for the help sometime also.

Paige said...

Hey girl, I sent you an email but it may not have came through I'm having trouble with my account at the moment. My email addy is also listed on my blog right above the pictures but it is

Email me anytime!

Candice said...

Awww, hon, hang in there. Growing up we had a lot of financial trouble. I can't tell you how many times the phone, or electric was shut off, or we had ramen for dinner, but that's never what stuck out to me. The singing and park trips you mention end up being far more important than where you live, I promise. Easy to say I know!! The girls are still young. You guys are great parents who love your girls. They are very lucky. You don't need guilt on top of everything else you have going!!


Meant to be a mom said...

I'm definitely praying for you guys!

Anonymous said...

We are praying for you and your family, Erin! Hope things pick up very soon! You are such a talented photographer and I'm sure the word will get out quickly! I can't tell you how much I've enjoyed getting to know you! You're an amazing Mom!

Lexie Loo & Dylan Too said...

I'm praying that things turn around for you and your family.
I can understand why you're stressing. Finances are hard. We've been in tight spots before, and have made it out. Sometimes, not the way we expected, but we made it.
What you're giving your girls-the love and the attention-is the best thing you possibly can give them. The size of your house and the amount of possessions does not matter in the long run. It's your love that they're going to remember when they're older.
I live in a wealthy area, and our older, smaller house is surrounded by huge houses. We're surrounded by families that have EVERYTHING, so I repeat that to myself on a daily basis.
Praying that you find a new job so you can bring in the money, and not have to worry!

Katrina said...

I will definitely be keeping your family in my prayers.

tanya friesen said...

HUGS, HUGS and MORE HUGS!!! I think we have A LOT more in common that you thought when you commented on my blog last week. I have stood, and still remain standing in your EXACT same spot. I've seen the NICU bills, the mortgage sitting on the table, having to face the fact that we had to cancel our garbage and bring it to my parents' house each week, canceling the cable and actually going without tv for an entire year, and on and on and on. I've been there and it sucks, literally sucks, especially when there is not much that you can do to improve it. If you ever want to talk about anything you can email husband and I have been through pretty much every financial hardship there is. HUGS!!! Just remember, you have your family, they're healthy and that's really all that matters. :)

~ t

Kelly said...

Just Chase's NICU bill was well over $57,000 :(