Friday, March 18, 2011

I Ask When

Today I ask when . . 

Today as I look in the mirror I ask, when will the motivation and determination kick in?
Today as I look in the mirror I ask, when will I say enough is enough?
Today as I look in the mirror I ask, when will I NEED the change?
Today as I look in the mirror I ask, when will the tears stop flowing ever time I try something on?
Today as I put on my clothing I ask, when will I ever feel comfortable again?
Today as I put on my clothing I ask, when will I not have a muffin top?
Today as I put on my clothing I ask, when will I feel sexy again?
Today as I put my clothing on I ask, when will I ever enjoy looking in the mirror again?
Today as I put my clothing on, tears are streaming down my face.

These questions . . they have been brewing in my head for sometime . . they have been questions I have been needing and wanting to answer so bad . .  they are questions that I can answer and I can change but I just don't . . 

It seems so simple Erin.  You need to do it Erin.  Why have you not done it yet Erin.  What are you waiting for Erin.  It is only getting tougher Erin.  Time is ticking Erin.  


I know I can do it.  
I want to do it but I lack motivation and determination.

Growing up I was always in sports.  I played Volleyball and was on a Competition Cheer Squad.  I didn't have to watch what I ate and drank because hell I was working out a ton and always active.

I never faced or was worried with weight issues until I was in my twenties.  I remember when I got super fat ( for me ) when I was dating my ex boyfriend Eric.  There are some pictures I can't even stand to look at.  I feel like once you get comfortable with someone you start gaining weight ( but that is just an excuse ) and then I had two babies and now I NEED TO LOOSE THE WEIGHT.

Now I have had two kids, I eat junk, I probably eat way to much, I drink way to much pop and I am not nearly as active as I was when I was younger. 

I don't drink enough water.  I do not eat enough fruit.  I do not eat enough vegetables.

I want to change everything.  I need to change everything because I am only getting fatter.  

I truly need a personal trainer.  I truly need someone to kick my ass in the gym.  
but those things above I can't afford so I am on my own.

I want to join a volleyball team this summer, I want to be active I just don't do it enough.

So today I ask myself.. when will I get the motivation and the determination to DO THIS.

to do this for myself and my kids and my husband! 

I know I can do it once I get the motivation.. I just don't know where the motivation is hiding.
I also know I need the support from my husband and family and friends.  I need someone to hold me accountable.

Does someone want to come live with me for 21 days and start a bunch of new GOOD habit's ?

I will do it, I will make this change . . 

But again I Ask WHEN.

P.S. I wrote this post a few mornings ago and I wasn't sure if I was going to post it.  I know I am not obese but I am heavy/overweight for myself.  I know some people might take this offensive and I do not mean to hurt anyones feelings but I need to start talking about this or I will never make then change.  So I wasn't sure if I was going to post it because I don't want horrible comments, I don't need someone telling me I am not fat and I don't need a ton of people feeling sorry for me.  I need motivation, advice, tips and how toos and how don't.  I need support.  


Katie~Loves Of Life said...

I had those feelings for way too long, so I finally was like WHAT THE HELL and changed it! I am so glad. Its been less than 3 months an I'm almost 25lbs down. you don't even need to lose that much! You should totally give ww a try!

Becky said...

I had these same feelings up untila few weeks ago. I have an 11 month old daughter and work full time. I always made the excuse that I didn't have time to go to the gym. But you just have to make time. Get up in the morning and tell yourself you are worth it. I just recently started working out and I feel so much better about myself and I have so much more energy. Still not eating as healthy as I should but that will change in time. It is a lifestyle change! You deserve it, tell yourself that everyday!!! I still have to tell myself!!

Erica @ All About Aleigha said...

Umm, I could of wrote this post myself. I'm tired of feeling miserable to but just like you I dont have the motivation. I'm hoping since the weather is nicer I can get a little motivation & walk or something.

Katie said...

This sounds exactly like me. I want to do all of the things that you are saying, but I too lack the motivation. I wish we lived closer. We could be eachothers motivation. I'm here if you need me!

djpanek said...

I think you wrote what many of us think and feel every day. Motivation is difficult to come by. Being a mother of two young children along with watching two other young children during the week AND working my own business, not to mention having a husband's schedule that changes weekly and sometimes daily, it makes motivation harder to achieve. I have come to learn that it is a lifestyle change that is needed, but sometimes those changes need to be made one at a time to truly be successful.

Getting started is always a challenge, but I need that kick in the butt and am more than willing to work with you if you are interested. It can be through phone calls, emails, blogs, or how ever else you want to commit to it. I honestly think a great way to start is to talk about the way your daily life is.

Mine is crazy all the time to the point that I think I'm going insane. LOL But, I know there are millions of other people out there that feel the same way and yet they are able to do these things for themself. I need to take the time for me as well.

I am willing to admit that as soon as the kids go to bed, I'm ready to sit down on the couch, watch TV and maybe indulge in some chips or chocolate. I know working out at night isn't always the best for some people because they (specialists) say it keeps you awake at night. But, if that is the only time I can fit it in, then so be it. I can still relax and watch that TV show I want, but instead of preoccupying myself with food, I should preoccupy by riding my stationary bike.

I knew someone that would literally stand in her living room and march. Yes, I said march. She would do so while she caught up on a show. Sounds funny, but it's better than sitting on your butt. And, any exercise (even right before bed) is better than none at all.

I know we don't know each other very much personally, but maybe that lack of knowledge of each other will be beneficial for both of us. Not sure why I pulled up your blog off your email address, but I think I was supposed to. What do you think? Are you up for working together to be support for one another? I'm certainly game.

Kat said...

Just found your blog :) Have you looked at the Couch to 5k program? It's pretty small-time as far as goal achieving so you feel like you accomplished something! I HATE exercising though I know I desperately need to. I have started this and actually made me think I could accomplish running 3 miles. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I hear ya!! If it makes you feel any better... I worked hard after I had the girls and lost 36 pounds on WW... and I've gained 20 pounds back since the girls' 1st birthday! Who does that?! Ack! I'm trying, but lack motivation as well. :(

Paige said...

I think this sounds like each and every one of us, no matter if we are satisfied with our weight or not. There is always something that we need to perfect in our lives but we lack the motivation to do so. I have zero motivation and I haven't for such a long time. I went to the doctor the other day and I weighed more than ever, which was completely sad to me. I'm not sure when I lost myself. But hopefully we can all find our motivation together and get on to healthier lives, and eating styles =)
loves ya.

Meant to be a mom said...

Awe Erin, I'm so sorry your struggling. Exercise and dieting is extremely hard if its not something you do on a regular basis. Some people just don't get that because they are so used to it they just can't understand what's so hard about it.
I'm not the best person to offer up advice seeing as I am extremely lazy. However I can offer you support and tell you that I know you can do it. You just have to dedicate yourself to it. You have to find something that makes you happy and makes you feel good about yourself and stick to it.


Kelly said...

Erin, I always had that excuse that I didn't have time, since I had three kids. Then I got a gym membership, where the kids go to the daycare there. It is such a big help and I actually have motivation to go. Eating healthy is another big thing. I suggest going to the website My daily plate. It lets you track what you eat and tells you how many calories you should eat per day, then tracks them for you.
Another big thing is make sure you aren't eating too many carbs (I am bad at this one) Carbs fill you up but then make you crash, making you want to snack a lot. I would invest in some meal supplement drinks or protein shake drinks. They work great!

Annie said...

How have you been doing the past couple of days?!!? Sticking to the plan?!?! I know that you (we) can do this!!