Friday, May 11, 2012

Emotions..Feelings...Thoughts..


Side Note : This was written over the past 5 months or so.. I am a lot happier now then I was when I started writing this but I wanted to include all me raw feelings and not take things out.  Thank You to my friends and family who have been there for me and supported me with me decision and through this tough time.


Side Note Two :  I have been going back and forth about posting this.. being this open and putting myself out here like this.. debating if this will hurt people I care about and if i will regret this or look like the bad person.. but well today as you can see I have posted it.. 

Overload…. Overloaded…. And, no idea where to start or how to begin….
  •                   Have you ever felt you have kept so much inside you?  Then, (when you finally let it all out) do you think that it will allow you to breathe a little easier and sleep a little better? But, did all it do was make things worse.  
  •                   Have you ever felt that you’ve made up your mind, but there are so many things, people, and decisions holding you back? Are these people trying to change your decisions?  Have you ever felt like your happiness doesn't matter because other people aren't happy with your decisions or thoughts?
  •                   Have you ever felt like you're ruining someone else’s life or several people's lives? And, does this make you feel like maybe you’re being selfish with the choices you want to make?
  •                   Have you ever thought or felt like maybe being happy isn’t what is important? Maybe you haven’t been happy in so long but you still keep thinking you should "stick it out a few more years" to make everyone else around you happy.
  •                   Have you ever felt like maybe you don’t deserve happiness in the ways you want it and that maybe you just need to suck it up and be a family?  
  •                   Have you ever felt like no one is listening to you or understanding you?  Maybe they understand you, but they want to try and make you believe something else instead of just listening? 
  •                   Have you ever felt like going back on the decisions you have just made just because (honestly) it would be easier for everyone involved ( everyone but yourself )?
                  I sit and look at all those questions. There are even more questions in addition to these questions running through my head right now though and I cry because of it.  I cry. And, I cry. And, I cry because (honestly) all I want is to be happy.

     Well that’s not all I want but that’s the biggest thing right now.  I’m sick of feeling like I’m ruining others peoples life’s, I’m sick of depending on my mom and step dad for help, I’m sick of feeling like I can make other people happy when I’m so miserable inside.  I’m sick of holding it all in and pretending to be happy ( happy when it comes to love and my relationship that is ) and I’m sick of people thinking that I am happy when really I’m nothing but happy. 

     Sure my girls light up my life and make every day an amazing day.  Sure my girls put a smile on my face daily and bring warmth to my heart.  Sure I have some amazing friends who are by my side no matter what my emotions are, who allow me to talk and vent and just sit there and listen ( have I told you how much I appreciate you all ).  Sure I have a family that is by my side and will be by my side no matter what and who allow me to be me ( I love you ).   Sure I have a car that I can get in and blast music and sing my little heart out or cry my eyes out and just drive with no place to go and that will make me feel better for that short amount of time.  Sure there’s books I can read to distract me from time to time and take my mind away from the real life.  Sure I can play a video game and that can take me away from the real world for a few hours a night or a week.  Sure I can blog and spend time on pinterest to distract me. Sure I have all these things to focus my mind on for just a few hours without thinking about what a complete mess my life is right now.

     But when it comes to love.. Well its missing.  Yes like I stated above I have two beautiful little girls ( oh my god they are so beautiful ) that are my entire life and have been sense the day they were born, I have an amazing family who I can trust in and depend on, I have surrounded myself with amazing friends who have become a great support system but I have a husband who to me feels like more of an acquaintance or a roommate then a lover or best friend.  Love, It’s missing and I would give so much to find love again.  But the love I want to find … isn’t with him. 

     The betrayal is too much for me to get over.  It is just far too much for me to put behind me and move forward.  I tried it you see, I’ve been living with it in the back of my mind for 2 years now and it’s finally just been too much.  But you see it isn’t all about the betrayal, there is so much more. The intimacy, the romance, the passion, the spark its gone and faded and truly I don’t think it can ever be found again.  I don’t have the desire and the want to kiss him or to be romantic with him.  The communication that was once there is gone and the conversations we now hold are distant and short.  The things we want in life are just not the same anymore and I can not just sit and be ok with life, I actually want to be happy, Truly happy and in love again one day.

     You see Chad, he is such an amazing father.  My girls absolutely love and adore him.   The way Alex talks about her daddy and just to hear Avin say daddy you can hear it in their voices and see it in the conversations they have about him.  I don’t want him to ever doubt the kind of dad he is, I don’t want him to ever give up on being the best dad that he can be, I want him to be involved and be around as much as possible, but the way he is going to be involved now wont be with me as a family.  This involvement will be him and I as parents raising these two beautiful little girls the best we can with their best interest in mind.  This wont be easy by any means and our girls are so young we have a long ways to go to deal with each other and to put our girls first instead of ourselves.  I just hope that we can do exactly that and always think about their best interests instead of ours or our feelings.

      I know it might be asking a lot but if you know me, you know I come from a divorced family, but if anyone comes from a divorced family you want to come from one like mine. My mom, my dad, my step dad and my step mom are people Chad and I can strive to be like.  Putting your children first and getting long the best you can so that your children are happy.  Being able to be in the same room at your child’s dance recital, birthday parties, school conferences, sporting events and all that is something that will be so important to me ( and in the long run my girls as well ).  Putting them first, their happiness, their desires, their needs and wants will all come before mine. I truly hope Chad will agree with this and that he and I can do the best to be there and support our girls in all the activities and the decisions they make.

    I feel so alone right now so alone that half the time I don’t even know what I am doing.  I know that if I feel alone now I am only going to feel more alone in the months to come.  But I feel like if I give it time and hope I can overcome feeling lonely.  I guess I feel alone because I am lacking my best friend and partner in which everyone thinks I have.  I guess I feel alone because everyone thinks we are a happy family when really no one knows my true feelings and emotions in which I hold inside me.  I am scared, so so so scared to make these kind of changes in my life and in my children’s lives.  I am so scared and worried of what people will think, how they will act and the things they will say.  I'm scared to walk away from his family and I am scared that they will hate me.  I am scared for my girls, where do I start and how do I tell them.  How do you explain to little precious hearts that their life is crumbling around them because of the decision I have chosen to make. 

     I guess I start by saying that I’m sorry to everyone around me, I truly am sorry for the inconvenience this puts into your life, sorry for the burden it might put on you, sorry for the stress it may cause you, I guess im sorry for everything, for all the feelings it may bring you but today and from now on I’m going to put my happiness first and try to become the person I want to be ( better mom, school, new job, complete new life ), the person I long to be because once I’m truly happy I can make the people around me happy.

     I guess I owe a lot of explanation to my little girls and I guess in time that will come.  They are far too little to know exactly what is going on right now but let me tell you they know this is not a happy home.  The more tears Alex sheds ( for very little reason at all ), the more sassy Avin gets and asking for attention, these precious little girls may be young but they can tell when mommy isn’t happy.  I owe them so much and I know one day they will have so many questions as to why I didn’t try a little harder for my family and today all I can tell them is that I love them and that they are my main priority and that I am doing what I think is best for me and for them with the time to come.  I want nothing more then to show my girls what true love is, what it truly means to be happy and what a happy home can look like.  I will aim and do everything possible to make sure they are happy and try my best to give them the life they want and deserve.  These two little girls are everything to me and if you know me well, you know I have lived through them since the day Alex was born.  I would give everything in this world to make sure they are happy, I would give every piece of me to make sure they are smiling, but in order for me to give them everything I need to make sure I am happy, not a fake happy, not a half happy but truly happy. 

     Yes I know that this decision has been my choice.  It’s a choice I stand by and a choice I want.  But just because I want this decision doesn’t make it any easier.  Just because I have chosen to take on this new path in my life doesn’t mean im not scared as hell.  Just because this is what I want doesn’t mean I don’t worry about every little detail that goes into this decision.  Just because this is my choice doesn’t mean I don’t shed tears daily because honestly there will always be a little regret/guilt with this decision that I have made but with that regret/guilt I know that this is the right decision.  

     So I guess I now say that the decision I have made is to leave my husband. 

     This decision didn't just happen over night, Chad and I have been living like roommates for some time now and the love we once had is no longer there.  We decided to separate before Christmas ( sometime in November ) and we decided it would be best to let our family know after Christmas so that we didn't spoil the Holidays for them. I finally told my family on New Years Eve ( yes I know a great way to walk into the new year ) and Chad let his family know only a month or so ago.  There will be big changes to come within the next few months.

    Just because I have given up on my marriage doesn’t mean I’ve given up on us as parents.  Just because I have given up on my marriage doesn’t mean I think Chad is a bad person.  Just because I have given up on my marriage doesn’t mean I love his family any less.  Just because I have given up on my marriage doesn’t mean our marriage didn’t mean anything to me.  Just because I have given up on my marriage doesn't mean i've given up on love and just because I have given up on marriage doesn't mean I've given up on marriage all together.

   I hope one day to find love again.  I hope to one day be married again.  I hope to one day have more children.  I hope to one day be able to show my girls what a happy healthy marriage looks like.  But today my focus is on my girls and myself.  Making myself a better person and a happier person so that I can in return be a better mom, friend, daughter ..... 


     Thats it for now... a jumble of words.. a jumble of emotions... and my heart poured out to you all... any questions, I'm open to answering them... 

5 comments:

Leah Danielson said...

Thank you so much for sharing. You need to know you are not "giving up" on your marriage. It definitely sounds like you have tried and have been trying for a long, long time and given it your all. That's really all you can do. You have to have faith in that you WILL find happiness again and by that I don't mean another guy or marriage or anything of that sort. You have to find you and in turn that will make you the best Mother, friend, Daughter that you can be. I know you know all this already, but just don't forget or regret with the months to come. It will get harder before it gets easier, but you have a great support system to help you. Remember that too, that you are not alone in anything, although it may feel like it at times, you are not and don't forget it.

Lexie Loo, Lily Boo, and Dylan Too! said...

I just wanted to say that I've been thinking about you.

Kelly said...

Erin, everything will be okay. Your happiness is a big part of your girls lives and I think that this in the long run will make you a better and happier person!

Katie @ Loves of Life said...

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through, Erin. I'm glad you could make the best decision for you and your girls.

Katrina Sevin said...

Erin, I had no idea you were going through all of this. Huge hugs to you. If you ever just need someone to talk with... I'm always around.