Saturday, June 16, 2012

A Mask ..

 This post was started months ago... finally figured I should finish it!
bare with me as i work through all these emotions!

Its something you wear... whether people can see it or not ... 
its there.. and it covers things up... things you don't want people to see..
things you want to hide and keep a secret..

I think over the past few years I have become amazing at wearing this thing called a mask...
Not even knowing that I am wearing it ...
It became part of my daily life....

Putting a smile on my face...
Making sure most people around me were happy..
Hoping all my friends and family thought I was happy..
Making sure my kids were taken care of and had everything they needed and more..
Keeping our days busy so I really didn't have much time to think... 
just pretending ...

Crying in front of my kids
for a long time wasn't an option for me..
I never wanted them to see me that emotional 
and I didn't want to lie or explain to them 
why mommy was sad and unhappy.

Night time, the shower and driving in the car... is where I took that mask off..
Where the tears streamed down my face.. Sometimes impossible to stop...
But leaving me feeling drained but yet refreshed..
Feeling like weight had been lifted off my shoulders..

You can only wear that mask for so long..
You can only hide the truth from the people that care for so long..
You can only hold things in that impact your life so much for so long..
You can only pretend for so long..

At one point in your life, that mask needs to come off ..
and the people that care about you the most and love you no matter what..
need to know just how you feel and what you look like without that mask on...

Finally months and months ago I took that mask off..
I stood in my parents drive way and crumbled into the arms of my brother..
Not meaning for it to happen, not on that day, not at that time, not to him...

but it did and that's the day that started me on the journey I am on now...
Though my separation had already started and I knew this day would come ...
It was the day my parents and family finally figured out what was really going on in my life ..

It was a breath of fresh air ..
Weight lifted off my shoulders...
The mask could finally come off..
Not all the way but a little bit at a time..


2 comments:

Lindsay said...

Beautifully put and so well understood. Hang in there girl, we are all on this journey of life together. Great post.

Candice said...

Beautiful post! I am sorry this has happened to you/your family, but I am thankful you are taking steps to be yourself and find happiness! Hugs to you!!