Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Raw Feelings

I am so mad at myself right now...
but i'm hurting...

and no matter who tells me..
he's not worth it or its not worth it...

I can't help but cry...
I can't help but sit here and wonder why...

It's not like we were serious...
but that is defiantly something I wanted/want... 

It's not like we had been together for years...
but at my age I think I know what I want...

and one side of him had so much I want...
but the other part had everything I wouldn't put up with....

It's hard you see..
when you've been through what I've been through...
and I have been through a lot, walked away from a lot...
so why is this having this affect on me...

When you finally decide to really let someone in...
Bring down your walls, trust someone and open up...

But then all they do is the exact opposite...
of what they said they wanted and would do....

This is where my trust issue comes in...
and so many wonder why I have a hard time trusting people...

How hard is it to express yourself...
be honest with the person you claim to want to be in a relationship with...

Hell.. be honest with yourself...
no point in wasting anyone's time...

I'm a big girl...
I promise I can handle the truth...
don't spare me the truth because you don't want to hurt me...

What I can't handle...
Is silence, disrespect and the unknown of whats on someones mind...

I am an open book...
Not many minutes will go by where you wont know how I feel or what I am thinking...

If you ask me to express myself...
I will do just that and always be honest with my emotions...

This might be too much for some...
but when they are expressing themselves at one point...
I of course will do the same... especially when they make it seem like we are on the same page...

I know how to play the game...
I know how to make someone want me...
I know how to pretend I am not interested in someone...
just to make them that much more interested in me...

But honestly...
I am over all that bull shit...

Over messing with someones head...
over trying to reel someone in with head games...

But it honestly seems like thats what people do..
still, at my age....

You're gonna want me or you're not...
just like i'm gonna want you or i'm not...
and I think it's easy to tell pretty early on if its a want or a not...

So why the bullshit...
why the lies, the ignores, the games...
why the unneeded comments, the time spent together,
the use of something so important to me just to suck me in a little more..

It's something I'll never know...
and maybe now its better that way...
maybe I learned what I needed too and won't make the same mistakes again...

But it still hurts...
and I still miss him and what I thought we had...


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